Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
You Might Also Like
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
#SuperBowl
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out