150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I cannot call her anything else now
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Meowchelangelo
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT