The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here