Mmmm. Shoeshi
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sing it!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
yea so i messed up lol
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…