My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?