Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
S/o to @funTweeters .
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.