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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.