Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.