GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Body by sandwich.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
*puts my mental health in rice
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*