My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up