I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.