my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
She: I like Cats
He:
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?