wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ