[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”