I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Welcome to the stomach
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”