her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.