One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
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Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
This why you should mind your business
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.