If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
You Might Also Like
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Noah
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.