[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”