Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable