“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
me, after any kind of buffet.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Stop making fast and furious movies.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished