[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth