I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I love texting my boyfriend
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
What kind of a cult is this?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know