Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I want this so bad
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.