breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.