“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
🚲+physics = winner
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack