*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
lol
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.