Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses