I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
S O O N
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!