6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
respect
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.