Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
You Might Also Like
reviewed some movies recently
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay