Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
This guy’s not having it 😆
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
checking out some reviews of my local library
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.