I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
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Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
A dad and his duck
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.