My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”