jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
You Might Also Like
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
you have three unread messages
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
that wasn’t the question