just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love