Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed