*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Who called it baking and not making love
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.