@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*