Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
You Might Also Like
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.