My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird