Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
meanwhile over on facebook
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’m not stressed
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If a snake ate a cake
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.