Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.