Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
japanese corn
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.