did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.