Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.