Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
You Might Also Like
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Only a mother’s love …
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me