One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.