I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.