“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My birth announcement for our third baby
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time